Currently Listening Goodbye My Lover, Pt. 1 By James Blunt "Goodbye My Lover" see related

"How do you free your soul
After you've found a friend
How do you teach your heart it's a crime
To fall in love again
Oh you probably won't remember me
It's probably ancient history
I'm one of the chosen few
Who went ahead and fell for you
I'm out of vogue, I'm out of touch
I fell too fast, I feel too much
I thought that you might have
Some advice to give on how to be
Insensitive"
~Leann Rimes cover of Jann Arden's "Insensitive"

(This is where I should probably keep my mouth shut.)
______________________

But of course I won't.

So our trip was about an A-.  The best parts were seeing my nephew and a friend I hadn't seen for 3 years, as well as being in Kearney with my extended family.  However, there were the not-so-good parts.

**I'll take "Then and Now" for 200, Alex.
**The answer is, "We now have cars."
**What is the reason we no longer travel down rivers in small personal boats in the heat of August??

I realized later that I was actually ruining a nostalgic trip for somebody else.  I also, while wasted, got into an argument with my mother at the reception.  Great...  I think I referred to my aunt as the c-word to my parents when I was in the parking lot saying goodbye to them.  They didn't stay the night like we did.

Oh, and I'm so broke I couldn't afford a box to live in.

This trip did make me think a lot more about my last post on the types of relationships we have.  One issue that had been continuously swept under the rug finally surfaced.

Love and hate are two words that have strong meaning, yet too many people use them so loosely.  Love is also multi-faceted, not reserved only for the love between two people who are in love.  I love my family, my friends.  Sometimes that love can trump other feelings and make us do something we typically wouldn't do if it wasn't for love.  Allow me to explain.

One common expression is the "love/hate relationship".  I've been there, done that, just like everybody else.  There may come a time when two or more people realize that they are still married, dating, associating, or just living together only because they love each other in some way.  One day it may finally come to a head and then it has to be confessed:  "We love each other, but we don't like each other."  Although it has been thought, maybe for weeks or months or even years, it can finally be addressed.

The new issue is figuring out what happens now.  One option is to try to work everything out and learn to like one another again for the sake of still caring about one another.  However, would it be better to part ways, accept one's losses, and move on, alone, to see what else is out there for us??  Maybe it's not really love that holds us together, or maybe love is not really what we've always thought it was.

What if the feeling of love is just a sign of an addiction to somebody??  Before saying no, think about it for a minute.  How many people who are addicted to alcohol or drugs or whatever it may be actually like what they're addicted to??  Granted a lot of addicts do, and similarly a lot of people like who they love.  However, many would say they don't, and that's when they realize they have a problem.  It's that point when they realize that they're addicted to (read: love) how it makes them feel, but they don't like it because of how it controls them, hurts them, and strains their relationships with others who care about them.  Is that what loving without liking is??  We might use certain people to satisfy an itch the same way we might use a drug.  Maybe we need rehab not only from a substance but from a somebody in order to learn why we feel we need them.  It's possible that if we find a way around our need or issue (i.e., the fear of being alone) then perhaps we'll suddenly realize that we never really loved that person after all. 

The first step to recovery is admitting one has a problem.  Maybe the problem is that love is disguised addiction, and our version of substance abuse is someone abuse. 

I love you, (but I don't like you).

Now, what's Step Two??

Currently Listening Step Up By Original Soundtrack "Get Up" by Ciara see related

"Communication is the key to life
Communication is the key to love
Communication is the key to us
There's over a thousand ways
To communicate in our world today
And it's a shame that we don't connect
So if you also feel the need
For us to come together
Will you communicate with me?
*Message Sent*"
~TLC "Communicate - Interlude"

Over the past several days I've been doing a little self-therapy to figure out what the hell I really want, but more so what I really need to do or have right now.  A part of this therapy invovled watching "Sex and the City", namely Season 2 Disk 2.  This left me with several new ideas, issues, and desires, the top three desires being a bottle of Chenin Blanc, Parliament Menthol Lights, and the answers to several more questions than with which I originally started.

Although one cannot always be judged by their family, there is truth that one can be judged by their friends.  Many people (seemingly mostly men) enjoy friendships and relationships that are laid-back and nonintrusive on their thoughts and feelings.  Others (mostly women) seem to be the opposite.  However, gender is not really all that important in this case.

Is it that with certain people we have  intense and complicated relationships, or do we have certain relationships with intense and complicated people??  Drama and drama queens aside, I'm referring to the depth in which two or more people know the rest of the group--how open they let themselves be about what is really going on inside them.  I realize it has to do with their particular nature, which makes me wonder whether birds of a feather do flock together although it's also a popular assumption that it is opposites which attract.

Now, back to the two ends of the communication spectrum:  the laid-back and the intense.  One prefers anything that needs to be said to be set out on the table and "knowing" a person could mean little more than an acquaintance one actually spends time with when they say they should.  The other prefers including not-so-casual sentiments and secrets in their conversations, which gets more complicated by "knowing" a person, including their subtelties, what makes them tick, and what they are most likely to do or say in a given situation.  It is likely that both ends of the spectrum could still be laden with intellectuals.

If a relationship occurs between these two people of oppostie personalities, be it platonic or romantic, will the result be a happy medium or overcompensation of their personalities to avoid being made to feel inferior for who they are??  The laid-back, grounded, semi-closed book person could either save the more intense, out-there person from flying too high or getting too caught up in a tangled web of emotion, or it's equally possible that they may seem like they are trying to cage the other.  In the opposite situation, a person may be turned from wall-flower to social butterfly, or be made so uneasy that they flee feeling intruded upon and possibly violated.

I am now leaving for just under a week.  The timing is a little off.  Lately, I feel my spirits ready to soar, yet I feel caged.  I feel like being a socialite but that I've been made to feel guilty for expressing myself.

What I know right now is that this is a rambling, rough essay regarding questions I don't really have answers to yet.  However, I do know that I have a car, a checkbook, and an easilly fulfilled desire for Chenin Blanc and Parliament Menthol Lights.

Currently Listening Il Divo By Il Divo "Every Time I Look At You" see related

"And even if I change my mind
Don't let me hurt me one more time
Stay away from me, stay away
Be as cold as you can be
No we won't be sharin' coffee
Or havin' lunch from time to time
I won't ask about your family
Please don't ask me about mine
This is never what I wanted
And it's killing me to say
It just has to be this way"
~Reba McEntire & Vince Gill "It Just Has To Be This Way"

The song fits, and the country throwback was kinda inspired by a friend's recent return to that musical genre.  The thing is, when does a friendship become more trouble than it's really worth??  If it has only brought me discomfort, is it worth keeping because I'm afraid of hurting the other party??  I do care, I honestly do.  It's also nice to know I'm important to somebody.  However, I might have to do what's best for me, and in a way, what's best for them too.

On a brighter note, my promotion hasn't been too bad.  I just wish it won't be so hot anymore.  It sucks.

Scent is strongly tied to memory.  I smelled a cologne I used to love, and I was sick to my stomach, depressed, and pretty much about ready to cry--just like how I felt during events that took place when that was my favorite cologne.  Never again.

I'm also disturbed by several dreams...... I could make several phenomenal episodes of "Itchy and Scratchy" from The Simpsons, or some horrible killing movie with what goes through my head while I sleep.  Time to go sleep, and see what disturbs me this time around.

It's time to fight the vices......again.  I have some new friends along for support.  I'm as ready as I'll ever be.

Currently Listening Anywhere But Home (w/ bonus DVD) By Evanescence "Whisper" see related

"Catch me as I fall
Say you're here and it's all over now
Speaking to the atmosphere
No one's here and I fall into myself
The truth drives me
Into madness"
~Evanescence "Whisper"

My curse......

It's returning.  I'm not ready for this again.

I don't want this to happen, but I have no choice.

It's only been a little more than a year.  Whatever happened to 10??

Currently Listening A Fever You Can't Sweat Out By Panic! At The Disco "Camisado" see related

"The anesthetic never set in and I'm wondering where
The apathy and urgency is that I thought I phoned in
No it's not so pleasant
And it's not so conventional
And it's sure as hell ain't normal
But we deal, we deal
Just sit back, just sit back
Just sit back and relax
Just sit back, just sit back
Just sit back and relapse again"
~Panic! At The Disco "Camisado"

So tomorrow is my first day on the new job.  God I hope I make it there on time, NINE FORTY-FIVE AM.  Most of you know that I go to bed anywhere between 5-8 AM and get up around 11:30-Noon.  Tonight I shall lie in bed and pass out due to boredom.  I'm nervous because I'm worried that I won't like being confined to one area all day, that I won't make my goals, and that I won't like it.  I'm also feeling kinda depressed.  I will miss my old job, no matter how much I like this one.

However, I'm glad to finally be getting the hours I need to make the money I need.  I'm just kinda fed up with people taking their time with my time and money.  I do believe that the tiredness is setting in, so yay.

I don't like when people force me to sit waiting for them, turning down others, just to have the original plans cancelled shortly before they would be in effect.  I especially don't like it when, after noticing a pattern, I realize that person just likes being made to feel important.  The result:  I end up blowing up on somebody who has a legit reason for wasting my time.

The dorms still owe me over $1000 in prepaid rent after I terminated my lease.  That's from 8 weeks ago, or if you prefer calendar months, 2 months ago as of tomorrow.  There is a state law requiring former tenants to be refunded any deposit due or prepaid rent within 14 days of the end of their lease.  That due date for me was May 19th.  I was told I would receive it that last week of May.  Well Happy Fourth of July.  We never paid rent late, so I don't find it too much to ask to expect the same courtesy in return when dealing with money they owe me.  If they were to use the excuse that "these things take time" well yeah, so does earning the money to pay them.  I'm seriously thinking of calculating, by their system, the amount of overdue rent they owe me, but that means tracking three months worth of late fees.  Oh, and this is not libel, being that I haven't said anything untrue about Scott Village and it's overlord College Park, though it's not too great for their reputation.  Oh, and don't bother calling College Park's Vice President of Leasing--both her phone number and fax number as posted online are bogus.  Obviously, because who has an area code for their fax machine that isn't the same as their phone??  However, when you do call, "we will get back to you as soon as possible" means... hell, they're not calling back.  Call them again...repeatedly.

By the way, according to that law (which yes, they've taken 4 times as long as allowed) if they end up in a court battle, they are required to pay for the plaintiff's attorneys as well.  Just give me the money plus the massive acquired late fees now owed to me and we'll call it good.  Hell, I might then buy everyone who works for Scott Hall and Village a soda.  I'm a really nice person.  Don't piss me off.  I hate having to be an asshole about things.  If I was totally horrible, I would let my mother take care of it, and trust me, they don't want that.